Sunday, January 9, 2011
Feeling Out of Sorts or Sorta Feeling
This post is going to be all over the place because honestly that's kinda how I'm feeling. My brain is telling me that we are at a better place than we were a couple of weeks ago. Sam is finishing week 5 in his body brace and he is healthy....so why does my heart feel heavy and I feel so tired and out of sorts??? I'm sure part of it is the fact that I'm still not getting solid sleep every night, Sam is having good nights and bad nights.
I think part of it came from seeing Sam's post surgery X-rays. Let me share...
As you remember the first picture is of Sam's hip pre-surgery. It wasn't a pretty picture.
The next 2 are of Sam's hip after surgery.
Doesn't that just make you say "OOOwwww!" The dark areas are all of the hardware that is holding Sam's hip and femur together. You can see where they added and rebuilt the area on top of the joint and how they angled the femur to fit in the socket better.
Now my brain again is telling me that the hip looks better...but my heart is hurting because that's my little boys hip and I'm still thinking about what's next. How hard will it be to get Sam walking, will he be in a lot of pain and will I know if he is, will he gain back the physical activity he had before, will he ride his bike again???? And if my mind keeps spinning I think about the surgery in another year to remove all that hardware, all my worries that come with Sam having surgery, how his other hip will hold up, will he need the growth plate surgery after that and more surgical worries and what's next???
I consider myself a glass half full person, I wake up each day counting my blessings and I know I have to put my anxiety and worries in the hands of the Lord. I always try to live by Sam's example and remember that my worries and anxiety can't even compare to his daily challenges. But today is hard, today I took the day off and watched the 3 movies I rented from Red Box. I didn't get out of my pajamas until 2:00 p.m. Sam had a bad night, waking up and calling me on at least 15 different occasions to go to the bathroom, to fix his pillow, to cover his foot, to move his table, to tell me he needed a hug, to just let me know he needed me...Sam is a little out of sorts too.
One of the movies I watched today was Eat, Pray, Love. I needed that movie today. I love Julia Roberts and she didn't let me down in this movie either. I laughed and I cried and I listened, in between the 20 times Sam needed me, I listened and I heard...
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
It's funny, when I have these days I feel like a failure, like I'm not living to the fullest, like God would be disappointed in me...like my balance is completely off...like I shouldn't ever be having these days. But this reminded me that I'm human and I have to make an effort, some days a lot more than others to hold on to my happiness, my balance and to see the blessings through the desperate moments. There are days like today when my reflections seem to be deeper, feel stronger and yes...sometimes they hurt. As I watched the movie I could relate to her rollercoaster of emotions and her quest to find happiness and balance.
I found comfort in the line..."There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in." and realized that there was a lot more light coming in today.
I have always been a firm believer in the idea that what challenges us build us and I like to believe that the challenges Sam has brought into my life are the very threads of my soul. Another great moment in the movie for me was this line:
"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
I can control me and I can choose my thoughts. I'm simply tired and tomorrow is a new day and I will choose to fight for my happiness, control my inner battle and anxiety and focus my thoughts on a positive path.
My little warrior has been asleep since 7:00 p.m. and not knowing what the evening will bring, it's time for me to sleep too. I am hoping that Sam and I have an amazing tomorrow and I am focusing my thoughts on Sam's doctor telling me on January 21st that every thing looks good and it is time for the brace to come off.
I will leave you with these last two lines from the movie:
"We don't realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace."
May that rise to the surface for me and for everyone reading this.
And for those still searching for God:
"God dwells within you, as you."
We were all made in his likeness, no mistakes (always remember that Sammy) and the good days and the bad days and how we work through them is God shaping, modeling and loving us.