Prayers Are Being Answered

I wish I could tell you that I am as strong as I sometimes appear in my posts.  Last night as Sam and I prayed on our knees pleading for healing of Sam's hip I felt my weakest and most vulnerable but I had only to look at the amazing little boy kneeling next to me to regain my strength and refocus my attitude.  As I helped Sam up off his knees and tucked him into bed he turned to me and said "Mom, I be okay. I love you."  I kissed him before he could see the tears gathering in my eyes and I told him "Sweet dreams little man, I love you too!"

I covet and adore Sam's outlook on life, his lack of worry, his acceptance of how it feels each day to be Sam Mayer and his joy...in just being.  I have so much to learn from this little man that most people would view as cognitively and physically challenged.  Sam was looking forward to driving in Dad's truck and seeing Dr. Thometz.  He was happy just to have Mom and Dad to himself for the drive there and back. Unlike Sam, I was worried and feeling apprehensive of what we would hear. I dreaded Sam's reaction to getting the x-ray done and having his hip movement checked.  We are 1 year and 6 months post surgery.  Most children see stabilization and bone growth within 3 to 6 months.  In Sam's first 3 x-rays the bone was continuing to collapse and deteriorate...we were still moving backward.  In Sam's last x-ray we were told he still was not healing or making forward progress.  The "what if's" were again keeping me awake. I tossed and turned and tried to turn my mind off and I prayed and prayed...and prayed.

I remember a time when taking my child to the doctor was concerning whether it be for a checkup or to address a particular issue or illness.  Unfortunately with Sam, going to doctor offices has become as common as going to the grocery store.  I remember a time when heading to a hospital like Children's was a little unnerving, now if we are there less than 15 times in a year for appointments and being admitted I feel it has been a good year.  My perspective has been forever changed.

Today's appointment was at Greenway Medical and the waiting room was not as busy as usual.  Sam was called in for his x-ray and they wanted to try having him stand.  Sam was not happy and would not weight bear on his left side so he was tilted and they felt they needed a better x-ray so they asked if he would lie flat.  I explained that having him lie on the floor would be easier than having him lay on the table.  I have gotten to the point in my journey with Sam that I will ask them to accommodate his quirks if it will keep him more comfortable.  My focus is on Sam and not what is convenient or usual.  Sam was much better about laying on the floor and they got a good x-ray.  We were then taken to an examination room and we waited.  Sam's x-ray was up on the screen but I couldn't bring myself to really look at it.  When you have gone through 4-5 previous x-rays with not so good news you begin to protect yourself from any more bad news.

The resident came in and checked Sam's hip movement.  Sam was happy to yell at him a few times to let him know he didn't appreciate the movement.  He then looked at the x-ray and I heard the words coming out of my mouth as if I wasn't actually saying them, "So....is there any bone growth?"  And just like our last appointment the resident turned to me and said in a "matter of fact" tone "Yes".  I had to regroup for a moment.  Did he say "Yes"?  I got closer to the x-ray and asked him now out loud "Did you say "Yes"?  He began pointing to the x-ray and said "Yes, it looks like this area has filled in nicely." I kinda felt like I was in a dream or maybe I was viewing someone else's x-ray and I quickly checked to make sure Sam's name and birth date was on the x-ray.  The resident assured us Dr. Thometz would be in shortly and left. I think the bewildered look on my face surprised Jeff because he said "That's good news, right?"  I said "No, that's great news."  But I needed to hear it from Dr. Thometz to really believe it.

Dr. Thometz asked me how things were going and I explained that Sam still had limited mobility, good days and bad days, bad gait, using the walker, crawling at times...but I really wanted him to look at the x-ray.  He finally sat down and said "Well...Sam has some bone regrowth."  Now I knew it was for sure.  Sam is finally making forward progress, "HALLELUJAH"!  It was as if a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.  Dr. Thometz showed me a comparison of the last x-ray and showed how the crater was beginning to fill in.  I felt so relieved that we were finally moving in the right direction.  I asked about Sam's pain and he felt that Sam could still have inflammation and that he is adjusting to the changing bone.  I asked about Sam's hardware and he said that since it took Sam so long to get to this point he would like to see some progress further before we remove the hardware which will again cause a set back and rehab.  I asked about the effect of leaving the hardware in regarding leg length and bone strength.  He explained to me that if we pull the hardware out the bone will be weaker as we wait for the holes to fill and if we leave it in the bone underneath the hardware may become weaker.  He asked to see Sam walk and again grimaced as he watched Sam's compensating gait which is functional but ugly at the same time.  He also felt the walker would be a good support until he rebuilds the muscles properly.  Of course when we get the muscles rebuilt he will probably want to remove the hardware and we will need to begin the process all over again.  The rebuilding process itself could take years and yes, Sam's bone could collapse again but I hope the supplements are helping his body to become stronger and healthier.  I'm really not sure if it is the supplements or prayers that have gotten us to this point...I choose to credit both with a knowledge that God is in control no matter what.

But, today...I'm not going to worry about that.  I am thankful for the prayers Sam and I felt from around the world and I ask that you continue to pray for Sam to regrow a healthy functional hip that gives him no pain and allows him to enjoy all the things he has put on hold for these last couple of years.

To all of you who read my blogs and pray for this amazing little guy...THANK YOU!  Words cannot express the joy we are feeling today as we snuggle and watch movies together.  Each day I pray I visualize a beautiful round ball at the top of Sam's femur, fitting beautifully into the socket and allowing for easy, pain-free movement.  Yes, it's a lot to ask for but I know that God can make anything happen.  Sam's smile tonight mirrors my own and I know I will sleep good tonight!!