I don't know if I can accurately describe the roller coaster of emotions that I am currently experiencing. Each time we go into Children's Hospital I pray for Sammy and for me. I ask the Lord to watch over and comfort Sam helping him to stay calm, helping him to feel the comfort, embrace and love that only God can provide. I ask the Lord to guide me, comfort me and allow me to make the difficult decisions that seem to be a part of Sam's journey here on earth. Every day I ask the Lord to come into my life and guide me on this journey and to be with me every moment of every day...I simply can't do this alone.
Sam's journey has taught me to feel life...not just live it but to really feel it. I cry at sad movies, heck I can cry during commercials, I laugh out loud, I hug people more and I smile when I'm happy even if I'm all alone. My personality is pretty laid back meaning I can tolerate the repetition required to help Sam learn, I can usually respond to the incessant "Mom, Mom...Mom" with "Yes, love". I allow Sam to experience without the safety net of an overprotective mother so he can succeed or fail but always learn from the experience. I tell my children I love them sometimes more than they want to hear. I am beginning to view life through Sam's eyes. I worry less and love more....until my faith is tested. As I sat in the doctor's office listening to him describe the surgery Sam was going to endure I became numb but still attentive. I was listening but not feeling...God was protecting my heart. Sam played with his Ipad, a set of flashcards about emotions...seemingly unaware of the conversation around him...but I couldn't help but notice how he kept going back to the scared card. I had to be strong, I couldn't lose it...he was afraid and was looking to me to tell him that it was going to be okay. I was numb enough to let Sam walk over to Radiology in just his shirt and underwear, not even caring about our walk through the lobby to get there, I was oblivious to the reactions of those around me.
My emotions wanted to bust out all over that orthopedic department but I had only to look at Sam, that sweet innocent face trusting me...looking for the reassurance that only a mother can give. I put on my best smile, rubbed his back, kissed the top of his head breathing in the scent that is my child and I swallowed the pain that was welling up inside of me. I was amazed at the calm sound of my voice as I asked the many questions that were swirling around in my head. I realized that my prayers had been answered, it was only by the grace of God that I was holding together...that I took those deep calming breaths that seemed to quiet the storm of my emotions.
We left the office, I'm not sure who was trying to get away faster, Sam or I. Even with all they had just described about the condition of Sam's hips he still wanted to run to the parking structure...something Sam has always loved to do. Run out of this place and back into his life. My mind told me I should tell him to walk but my heart understood his need to run and I ran with him.
As I drove home I continued to remain calm although at times I felt tears well up in my eyes. My voice was strong as I answered each of Sam's questions about the things he saw outside the car windows. We got home and I put on his favorite channel and told him I was going to work on my computer in the other room. I told him I loved him and I closed the door. I opened the first website given to me by the doctor, read the first line of the description of the surgery and the flood gates opened, the emotion just poured out of me. I didn't question "Why" but instead my heart just hurt for Sam...for what he was going to have to go through...for the immobility we were going to have to impose...for the fear and uncertainty that is part of this journey. The hurt radiated from the depths of my soul. This was more than I could handle. People have always tried to comfort me by saying "God only gives us what we can handle". Really??? Please step into my shoes, feel what I am feeling, hurt like I am hurting and tell me if you can handle it. These decisions about a child that loves openly and freely, that enjoys the little things in life, a child whose understanding of the world is pure and without judgement or prejudice are beyond difficult. The weight of these decisions press on me and it is only with prayer that I am able to make them and put the final outcome into God's hands.
As Sam went to sleep last night, I couldn't pull myself away. I watched him sleep, so peaceful, so amazingly made. This little boy holds my heart and I love him with everything I am. I slept until 3:00 a.m. when the next wave of emotion hit me and I cried until the hurt no longer raged and just smoldered in my chest. Life hurts sometimes and this is definitely one of those times. I know that what challenges us also strengthens us...he and we will get through this too!
Showing posts with label Dad's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dad's. Show all posts
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Grandpa's, Dad's, Father's & Daddies!!!
Happy Father's Day! Jeff and I often joke about the reason people get married. Jeff would tell me that...of course...people get married to have kids but he would then clarify that he married for love. Good save! I would agree to a combination of both.
I will never forget the day I told Jeff he was going to be a father. He wasn't just happy, he was ecstatic. Every week we would read about the stages of my pregnancy and he was fascinated to hear what our baby had developed that week. I should have known when Ben kicked the remote control off my stomach while I was pregnant with him that he was going to be a challenge but Jeff and I just thought it was fun to watch. When Jeff found out that his first son was a boy, he jumped high enough to touch the ceiling. Jeff has 3 sisters so he kinda thought his chance for a boy might be slim. He immediately began calling everyone he knew to let them know that he had a son.
Jeff carried Ben around showing him his house, he took him to the shop and he just walked into fatherhood with confidence. His face always lit up when he saw Ben.
When our second child was born, Jeff was thrilled to have a little girl. He called her "Babers" and as she got older she became his "Muttsy". It didn't take long for her to wrap her Daddy around her little finger. She was "his little princess" and he was her knight in shining armor.
When Ben was 5 we began to realize he might have some learning difficulties. Jeff, listened to me read about Dyslexia and he slowly came to the realization that he himself was also Dyslexic. It was so hard for Jeff to see Ben struggle in school. He understood the challenges that Ben was experiencing and wanted more than anything to make them go away.
So Jeff introduced Ben to tools, the shop and helped him define his interests. Although they are "two peas in a pod" and as we often joke "the apple didn't fall far from the tree", they work, argue, laugh and yell together.
At about the same time, we had our third child, Sam. As our pediatrician walked in and closed the door, Jeff sat next to me and together we found out that Sam had Down syndrome and other health issues. I turned to look at Jeff and I saw the fear and worry that I was experiencing but I also saw a reasurrance that we were going to be alright, that he loved me and...we could do this. We cried, we hugged, we cried, we grieved, we talked and talked. We talked about everything we were thinking, the negative, the positive...and then we chose to accept and move forward together. We knew the journey we were on was going to change our lives...little did we know just how much this little boy would affect us.
Jeff simply loves Sam for being Sam. He chose to focus on Sam, his son and not worry about the label he was given. I think like me, Jeff hated the fact that Sam had health issues but we quickly learned that just like Ben...Sam's challenges came with blessings and we focused on those blessings. To see Jeff with his children is to see him at his best. Even when Ben and Jeff fight there is still a gleam in Jeff's eye that says "Yep, he's just like me". Danielle and Jeff listen to John Tesch together and she will forever be his "Babers" & "Muttsy". And Sam and Jeff...I don't think I can find words to describe the relationship that defines them. I'm not sure who is happier to see the other, Jeff or Sam. Every day, Sam says "Daddy, go work". I reassure him that Daddy will be home after work, he smiles and says "Daddy come home". The sheer joy of that statement for Sam is beyond comprehension.
I love to watch Jeff watch Sam. He never looks at him with anything but love. His smile is wider than normal, his eyes just light up and he looks like he could hug him to pieces. Jeff celebrates Sam's accomplishments no matter how small, over the years he worries less and appreciates more.
Jeff, thank you for being the father you have chosen to be. I love you and your children are so lucky to have you for their Dad!! Happy Fathers Day!!!
I can't forget about my own Dad. This year my Dad faced some health issues that had us worried but in true Dad fashion he came through with flying colors. My Dad is my rock, he is my voice of reason when I am doubting myself. It has been fun to watch my Dad with his grandchildren. Ben challenges his patience but continues to make him laugh. Danielle is a mini me and allows my Dad to relive my childhood memories and Sam is the "apple of his eye". Like Jeff my Dad loves Sam for being Sam. He loves his extra hugs, his smile and his laughter. My Dad always helps me to remember how far Sam has come when I'm feeling down. I love you Dad and I love how you love my children.
I also can't forget my heavenly Father. I put my faith, trust and life in your hands each and every day and you have never let me down. I may not always understand your plans for me but I am thankful for the blessings given.
I pray for all the Dads, Fathers, Grandfathers, Daddies and Dad's to be. You are so very important in the life of a child and I will leave you with this thought:
One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.
I will never forget the day I told Jeff he was going to be a father. He wasn't just happy, he was ecstatic. Every week we would read about the stages of my pregnancy and he was fascinated to hear what our baby had developed that week. I should have known when Ben kicked the remote control off my stomach while I was pregnant with him that he was going to be a challenge but Jeff and I just thought it was fun to watch. When Jeff found out that his first son was a boy, he jumped high enough to touch the ceiling. Jeff has 3 sisters so he kinda thought his chance for a boy might be slim. He immediately began calling everyone he knew to let them know that he had a son.
Jeff carried Ben around showing him his house, he took him to the shop and he just walked into fatherhood with confidence. His face always lit up when he saw Ben.
When our second child was born, Jeff was thrilled to have a little girl. He called her "Babers" and as she got older she became his "Muttsy". It didn't take long for her to wrap her Daddy around her little finger. She was "his little princess" and he was her knight in shining armor.
When Ben was 5 we began to realize he might have some learning difficulties. Jeff, listened to me read about Dyslexia and he slowly came to the realization that he himself was also Dyslexic. It was so hard for Jeff to see Ben struggle in school. He understood the challenges that Ben was experiencing and wanted more than anything to make them go away.
So Jeff introduced Ben to tools, the shop and helped him define his interests. Although they are "two peas in a pod" and as we often joke "the apple didn't fall far from the tree", they work, argue, laugh and yell together.
At about the same time, we had our third child, Sam. As our pediatrician walked in and closed the door, Jeff sat next to me and together we found out that Sam had Down syndrome and other health issues. I turned to look at Jeff and I saw the fear and worry that I was experiencing but I also saw a reasurrance that we were going to be alright, that he loved me and...we could do this. We cried, we hugged, we cried, we grieved, we talked and talked. We talked about everything we were thinking, the negative, the positive...and then we chose to accept and move forward together. We knew the journey we were on was going to change our lives...little did we know just how much this little boy would affect us.
Jeff simply loves Sam for being Sam. He chose to focus on Sam, his son and not worry about the label he was given. I think like me, Jeff hated the fact that Sam had health issues but we quickly learned that just like Ben...Sam's challenges came with blessings and we focused on those blessings. To see Jeff with his children is to see him at his best. Even when Ben and Jeff fight there is still a gleam in Jeff's eye that says "Yep, he's just like me". Danielle and Jeff listen to John Tesch together and she will forever be his "Babers" & "Muttsy". And Sam and Jeff...I don't think I can find words to describe the relationship that defines them. I'm not sure who is happier to see the other, Jeff or Sam. Every day, Sam says "Daddy, go work". I reassure him that Daddy will be home after work, he smiles and says "Daddy come home". The sheer joy of that statement for Sam is beyond comprehension.
I love to watch Jeff watch Sam. He never looks at him with anything but love. His smile is wider than normal, his eyes just light up and he looks like he could hug him to pieces. Jeff celebrates Sam's accomplishments no matter how small, over the years he worries less and appreciates more.
Jeff, thank you for being the father you have chosen to be. I love you and your children are so lucky to have you for their Dad!! Happy Fathers Day!!!
I can't forget about my own Dad. This year my Dad faced some health issues that had us worried but in true Dad fashion he came through with flying colors. My Dad is my rock, he is my voice of reason when I am doubting myself. It has been fun to watch my Dad with his grandchildren. Ben challenges his patience but continues to make him laugh. Danielle is a mini me and allows my Dad to relive my childhood memories and Sam is the "apple of his eye". Like Jeff my Dad loves Sam for being Sam. He loves his extra hugs, his smile and his laughter. My Dad always helps me to remember how far Sam has come when I'm feeling down. I love you Dad and I love how you love my children.
I also can't forget my heavenly Father. I put my faith, trust and life in your hands each and every day and you have never let me down. I may not always understand your plans for me but I am thankful for the blessings given.
I pray for all the Dads, Fathers, Grandfathers, Daddies and Dad's to be. You are so very important in the life of a child and I will leave you with this thought:
One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.
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